I am Strong. I am Not Perfect. I am Willing to Try. I am Open-Minded. I am Flawed. I am Loved. I am Full of Potential. I am Gifted. I am Not Believing the Hype. I am Facinating. I am Woman.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Drawings I Found While Going Thru Mom's House

Since my Mother passed away in June, I have been living in the house that I have known and grew up in...I moved back into a bedroom over a year before she passed, because she was battling cancers and colostomy problems for 20 years and needed 24/7 care. We had Hospice, but they were short of critical care nurses...I think she went to the wonderful home away from home 3-4 times when she would have episodes (when she was failing) and they loved her...then they would bring her back home after 5 days...I had the Living Room set up with the hospital bed, etc...and she wanted to die at home...the last time she came home from a hospice 5 day stay was my birthday...the best present I could ever have had, and I told her so...she died 10 days later....I stayed in her bed with her until they took her away in a body bag....I also did her make-up for her viewing...she was always petite, but at 60 lbs., she was a skeleton. I and even the Dr's. could not believe she lived as long as she did, but she hung on for me...we were like the same person...so connected and best of friends...too much love, she would say, because she knew when she died, I might die also. And if something happened to me, it would kill her....

She left me her estate and the house...I have to sell my other homes, and am going thru a divorce. She wanted so much to be here with me while going thru the divorce, but I have my brother in NC for support and some very good friends. And selling the homes, is not the best time in the world, but..??? The worst part is going thru everything at my parent's home, and Mom kept all of Daddy's things the way they were 12 yrs. ago, when he unexpectedly died.I am finding treasures and many things I had forgot ...then I have to get rid of so much and change it over to the way I want it...and it is the worst. Some push me to just do it, and others say isn't it still fresh...and my reply, you mean RAW, yes, it is, and I put it off. My brother and Mom's older sister said to move at my pace, don't let anyone tell you what you should be doing or feeling, because, they have never done or have been through the year+ I have. I have dedicated my whole life to my parents...staying close by, not taking better art jobs and moving away or up in my career, because, they needed me close by.... and now it is the first time my life is my own....and I am 52...and I am just learning who I am again...after the hell Mom went thru and myself trying to make her happy and comfortable, watching her die a slow and painful death... me losing all kinds of weight and crying myself to sleep at night, so Mom would not hear or see me do that. But she could see the weight loss and the aging in me. I am still grieving really hard and I have days where I don't want to get out of bed.

I got off track about the drawings I found...Mom kept so much of what I would draw, and this shows my love of fashion ...I wanted to be a fashion designer or model...can't you tell by the style of the clothes and details!!! So, one night I scanned this page to show that I was always drawing something...since I could hold a pencil...and I will cherish what she kept...and what she has given me. I love you Mom and miss you and Daddy!

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